And the sadness comes creeping in

I know it seems that this blog is just about sadness.  I guess it is.  This is where I feel safe letting out my emotions.  I have plenty of loved ones who I can turn to and talk to but it's just so hard for me to talk about how I feel.  Typing is easier.

In a little over a week it will be one year since Laura died.  I've known it was coming but for some reason these last several day this sadness is slowly taking over.  I think about her often and how I felt that day but the approaching anniversary is multiplying the sadness.  Grant knows there is something wrong and he asks but I don't know what to tell him.  I don't want to tell him.  I know it's because I'm afraid I'll break down and I don't want to.  But then I do.  I just want to let it out.  But I can't.  Too many years of pushing down sadness and emotions. 

I've also been thinking about what I was doing this time last year and what Laura was doing.  What kind of crap she was dealing with.  I think about the day before she died.  Grant and I were with friends at an Aggie football game.  I look at the pictures from that game and it almost always makes me think "What was happening to Laura?  Was she gone already?"  Then I remember the call from Michelle.  Hearing the words I knew would come someday but still thought wouldn't.  "Laura is dead!"  Wow, just reading those words...  The following week, planning her funeral.  Seeing her body for the first time.  Seeing my hands when I looked at hers.  I still see her when I look in the mirror.  I see her hands when I look at mine.  It just hit me that I don't have a picture of the two of us together.  I can't remember the last time we were in a picture together.  Years.  I regret that.  Here's what I do have.

Families of addicts

This morning while watching the news there was a story, again, about Amy Winehouse and what her father said at her funeral.  He called her his angel or something like that.  From the couch Jon says, very sarcastically "Yeah, well Amy Winehouse was on crack!".  Jon tends to talk about the goings on of the world and he has very little knowledge of what is really happening.  He listens to me and Grant voice our opinion and will take them on as his own.  The old saying "You know not of what you speak" comes to mind.  Jon is just trying to be part of the conversation and prove that he's paying attention to world events and so on.  This morning though, this comment bothered me.  Jon didn't really know Laura well because by the time he was born she was well in to her addiction and I did what I needed to do to keep him safe and sheltered him from her.  So he didn't/doesn't know what we, as a family, went through with her addiction.  I turned the tv volume off and explained to him that no matter what Amy Winehouse's problems were she was still someone's daughter, sister and friend and all of those people still loved her.  Drugs didn't make her father love her any less.  Jon is just a kid and he doesn't understand.  I will sit down with him and talk some about Laura and what she went through.  I want him to understand that addicts don't just hurt themselves.  They hurt everyone who loves them.  Addiction doesn't just kill the addict, it kills a little of each family member too.  Laura was an addict but first and foremost, she was my sister and I love her.  Even in her deepest, darkest pit, I loved her.

Amy Winehouse

Since hearing that singer Amy Winehouse passed away, I've been thinking a lot.  I wasn't really a fan of her music, in fact I had to really think of one of her songs.  The only one that came to mind was "Rehab".  Her death was one of those things that people were expecting and I'm sure a lot of people weren't surprised about.  I know I wasn't.  But it is sad.  Sad that she was so young.  Sad that she couldn't pull herself out of her addiction.  It has made fresh so many memories of watching Laura fight and struggle with her addiction.  It's so heart wrenching to watch someone you love be consumed by addiction.  The person they were falls away and they become someone nearly unrecognizable.  You try to fight the battle for them but it's not yours to fight.  So many times I went to battle against the monster that had such a deep hold on Laura.  So many times my family went to battle.  Every time we lost.  Don't get me wrong, Laura fought too.  She tried so many times.  So many times.  There were times where I could really see she wanted to get away from her captor but each time, she was pulled back in.  Deeper.



I've seen stories online asking the question "Why didn't someone help Amy Winehouse more?"  Once again, it's not our battle to fight.  You can help, pray, talk, listen, cry...  Only the addicted is the one who can win.  Actor Russell Brand said something that really hit home to me.  He said sometimes people in these addictions don't know there is someone out there to help them.  I agree/disagree.  Laura knew we were there but had gotten to a point where she thought she had burned all her bridges with us.  She hadn't.  Brand said "All they have to do is pick up the phone and make the call.  Or not.  Either way, there will be a phone call."  I remember that final call.  I knew it was coming.

It's been a while

Wowzers!  It's been almost 4 months since I've blogged.  It hasn't been because I've had nothing to blog about.  Far from it.  TONS has been happening, making me feel like I'm carrying TONS of weight on my shoulders.

Good things and not so good things have been happening.  On the 9 month anniversary of my sister's passing, her/our tormentor was finally arrested.  I felt so many emotions that day.  I laughed, I cried.  So much going on in my head.  Now we wait for trial and justice to finally be served.

We FINALLY got Jon through the 5th grade.  Not without HUGE bumps along the way.  He's so smart and so sweet and I want nothing but the best for him.  His depression has hit a major low and we are working with new doctors to help him.  For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful that we'll get him through this time.  I'm hoping with this new treatment this summer he'll be ready to rock 6th grade.  He'll be going to a new school but luckily he'll have church friends to help him adjust.  He was standing next to me on Sunday morning before church and I realized he's grown!  He's still got a little way to go but he's almost as tall as me.  Where did my baby go?  He did a lot of body surfing on our beach vacation.  He learned to catch some serious waves!  He also got a hermit crab on vacay and was doing a really great job at taking care of it.  Sadly Marvin was way too stressed and began losing legs on Tuesday.  He finally passed on last night.  Jon's tender heart was broken.  He's been wanting a pet so bad and he really took good care of this crab.  Alas now we know that crabs get stressed and know better how to take care of the next one.

Then there is Jess.  He's still a mess.  He turned 5 and graduated Pre-K in May.  I had a hard time with him turning 5.  I am happy he's thriving and growing but it made me sad.  I guess it's because he's my last baby.  :(.  Great  Great Uncle Jess was able to come for the graduation ceremony.  It's so great to see the two of them together. 

Double Trouble-Jess Harper and Jess Payne

Jess has been talking a lot lately about wanting to go to heaven and see Jesus.  He's asked to fly on a plane so he can go to heaven and see Jesus and just the other day told me "Mom, I really want to go to heaven."  This is great to hear and a little scary because how do you explain how you become a Christian and get to heaven to a 5 year old?  God gives you the words, that's how.  I explained how you become a Christian by asking God to live in your heart and that means you'll obey the rules God gives us and when you sin, ask for forgiveness.  He told "I can't do all that!" (the obey part I think).  I told him how you will hear Jesus talk to you, your heart when you are ready to accept him.  "But I can't hear him mom!"  I laughed a little and said that sometimes you don't hear Jesus like he hears me or dad talking to him.  I said "Jesus talks to your heart.  You know how you feel when you are really happy?  That's how you'll feel when you hear Jesus talking to your heart."  He seemed to understand that.  I was amazed to be having this conversation with him, helping him through this.  I was praying to God to give me the right words.  I was waiting for more big questions when he said "Hey mom?" and I said "yeah?".  He said something about what happened at daycare that day.  Just ask quick as the conversation started it was over.  I didn't want to press and overload his little mind with too much.  I just thanked God for the opportunity and for the words He gave me.

Overall, it's been a busy few months.  We took a little mini vacation with the family to Crystal Beach over Memorial Day weekend.  I learned the valuable lesson of proper sunscreen.  I was suncreened but apparently not enough.  Despite the painful sunburn it was a great time.  So great to be with family and to relax and not worry about anything.

Me and my boys on the beach

Sister's visit and other things

Last week my sister Michelle came for a visit.  This was HUGE!  Even when we lived only 20 minutes apart we rarely saw each other.  So I was thrilled when she said she wanted to come, but I was also totally sure she'd back out.  But lo and behold she came and she didn't even get lost (Thanks OnStar!).  We had a quick dinner at home and then began showing her the sights of Aggieland.  A trip to the mall and then to Spoons.  Saturday morning we all went to Toys R Us because Aunt Shel promised the boys we'd go.  After that, Grant and the boys went their way and we went ours.  Another trip to the mall, a couple of other stores and then SUSHI!  We had such a great day.  It was so much fun to spend time with my sister.  I made her cry :(.  Ever since Laura died I've had this (irrational) fear that Michelle would die soon too and that I'd be all alone.  My mom would only have one daughter left.  That makes me sad.  After we cried she reassured me that I was the oldest and that I would go first and we laughed.  When the time came for her to go home I hugged her and watched her get in her car.  I started for the stairs and then stopped to look back.  I wanted to stand there and watch her car drive away but I couldn't.  So up to my family I went.

I've been reading Mary Beth Chapman's book "Choosing to SEE".  She is the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman.  The book is about their early life, her battle with clinical depression and the death of their 5 year old daughter Maria Sue.  If you know the story, you know that she ran out in front of her 17 year old brother's car as he was returning home.  The story is so heart wrenching and sad.  How does someone come back from something like that?  One word: FAITH.  She is totally open about their fear, sadness and anger in dealing with the loss of their precious baby. They questioned why God would allow something like this to happen and admit, they don't understand but know that God loves them and is holding them up through this.

Reading this book has made all the memories and feelings of my sister's death fresh again.  Needless to say it's been an emotional week.  I've wanted to talk about it to Grant, to anybody, but the fear of letting the emotions out scares me.  So here I am faithful blog readers.  I continually think about the moment Michelle told me Laura died.  I can still hear the tears and utter grief in her voice.  I didn't know what to do.  NO NO NO!  That's what I kept saying out loud.  Then having to call people and tell them.  Telling my dad was the worst.  I was headed to his house when I realized he was out of town.  I didn't want to have to tell him on the phone but I knew I couldn't wait for him to come back a couple of days later.  It was something he and I discussed frequently.  He would ask me if I'd heard from Laura because he'd had a dream about her.  We were always waiting for the "other shoe to drop".  Not that we wanted it, but we knew it would eventually happen.  When I told him there was total silence.  Oh how I wanted to be sitting with him, hugging him.

One by one, I started calling my close friends.  Some who were friends with Laura too.  I called Courtney but got voicemail so I just asked her to call me back.  When she did a little while later she was laughing.  She said "As soon as I heard your message  I thought she better not be calling to rub the victory in!"  Just the day before my beloved Aggies had played SFA and won (BIG) and she assumed I was calling to harass her.  I listened to her laugh and waited patiently.  Finally I said "Courtney, Laura died".  Again, a moment of silence.

Then we had to move on to the planning of the funeral.  Those days are still fresh in my mind.  Sitting in the conference room, seeing the clothes Michelle had picked out for Laura to wear were hanging on a coat rack in the corner.  It was too much.  I went to my mom bawling and tried to climb in her lap.  That's what I wanted.  I wanted my mommy to hold me, to make it better.  But she couldn't.  Picking out a casket.  Again NO NO NO!  The biggest kick in the gut was when we were able to view her body for the first time.  Walking in the room, smelling the flowers that had already been delivered.  I didn't want to look at the end of the room where my big sister was.  When I did, all I could do was wail.  I sat on the couch and Grant came to me.  I said "Go be with Ryan."  My sweet nephew Ryan, who so loved his Aunt Laura, sat sobbing in a chair.  All around me was grief.  I heard my mom, Aunt Margie and Michelle all sobbing. 

It's been 6 months and the emotions are as fresh and raw as they were the minute I heard.

Me, Laura and Michelle

Church

I was thinking about church earlier.  Thinking back to when I first moved here and we started looking for a new church home.  We tried a couple of churches in the area but they didn't seem to fit.  We came from a bigger church so we thought we might like to try a big church here.  Whoa!  Too much.  Not to hating on the bigger churches but attending this service made me wonder how you could really become part of a family in this church.  Would you ever know everyone in the church?  Would they know you?  For all the people around us knew, we'd been members of the church for years.  No one was out and out rude, but they weren't friendly either.  I took the boys to visit Parkway Baptist one Sunday and there were smiles to greet me and I met Brother Chris at the sanctuary doors.  Very friendly and welcoming.  I explained how we had just moved to town and were visiting churches looking for a new church home and he replied "Well, we'd sure like the job!"  So after a few months we had our new church home. So now we're part of this family.  We are involved in a few activities and have forged some good friendships along the way.

When I originally thought of church today, I was actually thinking of the worship service, or "big church".  I enjoy going to church and listening to Bro. Chris but do I really listen?  Can I remember what the last message was about?  So many times my mind seems to wander, or I'm telling one kid to sit down or another he can go to the bathroom.  Sometimes I'm distracted by other things.  I don't want to be.  I want to learn.  I want to soak up as much of God's teachings as I can.  I've taken a couple of small group bible studies and was amazed at what I learned, that in conversation about the topic, that I could actually participate, that I knew what I was talking about.  More importantly, I was learning God's word. 

I guess this is on my mind because our Women's Retreat is this weekend.  I love being part of events like this.  It always brings to the forefront my desire to be a child of God.  I always feel my spirit becomes renewed.  But alas, I allow life to get in the way and that fire gets doused a little.  In typing those last words this came to mind: "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.  This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.  Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine".  Is your light burning bright for all to see, or are you like me and it's barely flickering sometimes?

You don't tug on Superman's cape...

When did I become this person who isn't afraid?  When did I become the person who kicks butt and takes names?  I don't know when the transformation happened, but it's who I am now.  My little sister comes to me and says "You HAVE to do something, they'll listen to you."  I call, send an angry, frustrated email and yep, they listen to me.  Now, I understand this doesn't happen under my power.  I've been sending up a few prayers today for patience and calm, but it feels good to be heard.  To know someone is actually listening to you.  I mean, LISTENING.  Not just "uh huh, gotcha, yeah". 

That being said, prayers are needed.  This quest for justice in my sister's death needs prayer.  We just need one teensy, tiny thing to tip the scales and for someone who has tortured many people and ruined lives to get what he deserves.  There are several things that could help, it's just getting any of these different pieces to fall into place.  Today I was given a renewed boost of hope.  All is not lost, not every option has been exhausted and we won't give up until it is.

Happy New Year

I've been meaning to post for a few weeks now.  I get something on my mind and think "I need to blog" then I just don't.  So much has been happening.  Jon had his first orchestra concert.  I was very impressed.  When they played their first warm up notes, I got a little teary.  Jon is enjoying orchestra but has been talking about changing to band next year.  Whatever he's interested in and makes him happy is fine with me.

We've been going to a lot of basketball games and Jon has been a "ball boy" at some of the women's games.  This means he gets to sit courtside and mop up sweat when the players fall.  He's really having fun with it.  Last night it was obvious why it's so fun for him.  He's about 3 feet away from the Aggie Dance team.  LOTS of booty shaking in his face.  NOOOOOOO!  He's definitely starting to notice girls.  I'm not ready for this.

Jess is still Jess.  WAAAYYYY obsessed with all sports.  We're signing both boys up for Upward's Spring soccer.


Christmas was good.  We always stress about what to get the boys, are we getting enough for the boys etc.  In the end we do what we can and they love it.  We traveled back to Nacogdoches to see family.  I was able to have lunch with a good friend and that was nice.  I miss having someone to hang out with.

So 2010 is gone and 2011 has arrived.  This past year really tested me.  I know the tests aren't over.

Thanksgiving

Well, Thanksgiving is over and Christmas is upon us.

Our trip to Lufkin/Nacogdoches was a good one.  Grant was able to get off work early so we headed out about 2:00.  Got stuck in traffic in Madisonville but we were able to make a quick pit stop at our beloved Buc-ees.  LOVE this place.  For those of you who haven't heard of Buc-ees, the best way to explain it is, it's a gas station on CRACK!  There's soooo much stuff and always sooo many people.  It's very nice, the bathrooms are super clean which is a must for me.  There are friendly people everywhere you turn handing out samples.  Their claim to fame is "Beaver Nuggets".  Yep, it's sounds nasty.  We've been stopping there for over a year and I still don't know what a beaver nugget is.  Apparently they're awesome.  Maybe I'll be adventurous on our trip home for Christmas and grab a bag of nuggets.  We'll see.

Our first stop was Lufkin to drop off pies at my sister, Michelle's, house.  Then I decided I wanted to go by the cemetery to visit Laura's grave.  There are two different schools of thought on visiting graves.  #1-It's just a body, my loved one is not here and #2-I get peace from visiting.  I've had several loved ones pass away in my life.  I don't visit the cemeteries regularly but when the memories of them are heavy on my heart, it's nice to go to the cemetery where it's quiet, peaceful.  Driving to the cemetery I began to get that nervous feeling in my stomach and felt like it was getting hard to breathe.  This would be the first time I'd been to the cemetery since Laura's funeral in September.  As we pulled up I could see the pretty cross from the nephews.  Michelle has done a good job about keeping nice flowers on it.  The boys didn't go to the funeral with us so naturally Jess had questions.  Grant did a great job of explaining it to him.  Jess asked if the cemetery was where people went when they died.  Grant explained that when you died your body was left after your spirit went to heaven to be with Jesus and that this place was where we remembered the people.  Jess said softly, "Ooohhh".  Then quickly said "Okay, let's go walk over here."  He got his explanation, he understood and now it was time to explore.  Of course, by this time, the emotion of seeing my sister's grave had gotten to me and I was crying.  At first I didn't want the boys to see me upset but then I realized this is a part of life.  They will lose people they love and they will be sad.  I wanted them to know it's okay.  As Grant and Jess began to explore the wonders of the cemetery, my sweet, tenderhearted Jon stood by my side and held me up as I cried.  Thinking about his compassion, even now, causes me to tear up.  He's got his momma's sensitive soul and I wouldn't want it any other way.

The next few days were filled with laughter and lots of food.  It was great to be with my mom, Aunt Barcie and Michelle.  Good to be with family, especially during a time that could have been horribly sad.

On Saturday, we had our final Thanksgiving (it was the 4th of the season for me).  Uncle Jess and Linda were able to make the trip to Nacogdoches despite Uncle Jess's crushed vertebrae and Linda's soreness from a recent fall.  Seeing the "Old Man" always makes me happy.  It seems like I'm always the last person to hug hello.  The exchange between us always goes like this: I stand back and wait for everyone to get their hugs in and when the last person moves aside he sees me, points a finger at me and smiles so big.  It warms my heart.  Then I go in for my hug and he ALWAYS says "Ohhhhh, I love you!  You are so beautiful!"  It's the best thing next to the hugs I get from my babies.  We sit down and begin our meal and he always goes on and on about how good everything is.  Eventually his thoughts turn to his time the POW camp in Germany during WWII.  He talks about how grateful he is for all the food we have today and remembers when he'd go for days with nothing.  This year, he went a little deeper with his thoughts and told us he remembers a time when he'd kill for something to eat.  You can see his mind go back to those times, see the struggle, see the thankfulness for today.

So, I am very thankful for the time I was able to spend with all of my family.  Christmas is only a few weeks away so we'll get to do it all over again!

H-O-L-I-D-A-Y Let's celebrate!!

Two day work week for me and I couldn't be more excited.  I'm taking off Wednesday to spend some time with my boys.  Pies will be made, suitcases will be packed and hopefully there will be a fun trip to U Paint It.  Jess has never been so he'll be excited.  Both boys have Christmas gifts to get so I thought they could paint something and give it.  Adds a personal touch.

Last night we had our Thanksgiving dinner with our church family.  Both Jon and Jess's childrens choirs sang.  Jess was really into it which surprised me.  He's changed a lot since VBS this past summer.  He was supposed to get on stage with his group and sing for the closing ceremonies but he wasn't having it.  Last night he got up there and just sang his little heart out.  Jon on the other hand...  All the kids in his choir looked like they were being tortured.  At least Jon mouthed all the words.  He cracks me up!  I did get him to smile a couple of times.  So proud of him.  Watching him up there I realized how he looks so much older to me these days.  He's a pre-teen!  Where did the time go?

Wednesday we head home to Nacogdoches for a few days.  I am really excited to spend all day Thanksgiving day, with my mom and sister.  Food will be made, tears will be shed and I'm sure Michelle will have something to say about my hair or clothes.  It will be awesome!  We'll have Thanksgiving with Grant's family on Saturday in Mexia.  Uncle Jess can't travel so we're taking Thanksgiving to him.  I'm looking forward to spending time with the in-laws.  Last time I saw them was the week of my sister's funeral and we didn't have much time to visit.  I am planning to make the most of this time.

Thankfulness

Nothing new to report at this time.  I have some developing information but I cannot divulge it yet.  I have been out of town for the past two weeks and have not been able to act on the information I have, but I will be talking to my source very soon.  Remain hopeful.    

This is the latest information from the Texas Ranger investigating Laura's case.  Short, sweet and positive.  I have kind of come to terms with the fact that nothing may happen in her case, so won't it be a wonderful surprise when justice is done?!

Thanksgiving is next week so we're mapping out our family visiting strategies.  There are lots of people to see and not enough time.  This year will be emotional to say the least.  It will be the first without my sister.  No matter where she was she was always there for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I have such regrets that the last time I saw her was last Christmas and it was stressful to say the least.  It was always a little stressful being around her because she could be eratic a lot of the time, but last year was bad.  I had to shut myself off from her emotionally and I don't think I said 5 words to her.  If I had known that would be the last time we'd see each other, would I still have been so harsh?

My father-in-law has cancer.  He says the doctor says it's in the early stages and moving slowly so they aren't doing treatment right now.  It's scary not really knowing what's going on.  For so long, John has been like a father to me when I didn't have a father.  And to get this news so close to the death of my sister was an emotional whammy.

So this year, I have to be thankful.  I am thankful that I have my family.  I am thankful that I have a good job in a time where a lot of people don't.  I am thankful that I am free to believe in God and to worship him without fear of persecution.  I am THANKFUL. 

Football, prayers and dirt in hidden places

My weekend was full of football.  Jess played his flag football game early Saturday morning.  It was nice and cold outside which makes football even better.  I get such kick out of watching him play.  He's SOOOOOO into the game.  He messes around like most kids his age in an organized sport, but he's also become the team motivator.  He'll walk around patting the other boys on the back, giving little pep talks and at times, organizing an impromptu huddle.  I also love hearing the people around me giggle at his "Yeah baby!" when the team makes a good play or a touchdown.  That's MY crazy football fanatic.  He's awesome to watch.  Things may change in a few years and he could become the next great concert pianist, but right now I believe he's found his calling.

Moving on to Aggie football.  What an AMAZING game.  Jon, Jess and I screamed so loud the first couple of minutes that Grant had to yell at us to get us to calm down.  "The neighbors are going to call the police!" were his exact words.  HAHAHA!  It was a great game and it was so fun to watch with the boys.

We've started a "Share and Prayer" time at home.  Thanks to the Howells for the idea.  Each night when the boys are in bed, Grant and I sit down with them and we each share one favorite moment from our day, one thing we are thankful for then we each take a turn to say a prayer.  Lately the prayers have been for healing of Pawpaw's cancer and fast recovery for Aunt Lala's knee surgery.  I know I'm supposed to have my eyes closed when I listen to the boys pray but sometimes I just love watching Jess's facial expressions.  Last night's prayer was thanking Jesus for a good day at church, all the Operation Christmas Child boxes the kids packed, Pawpaw and going outside to play during children's choir.  Now, I picked them up a little early from choir and Jess's class had just gone out to the playground and I TOTALLY messed up his play time.  So to his "thanks for going outside to play" he threw in "even though I didn't get to play long, but that's okay!"  I had to bite the inside of my lip to keep from laughing at him.  As he's wrapping up his prayer, I guess he ran out of things to thank Jesus for so he hurridly said "and thank you for radio, sattelite and windows".  AMEN!

Dirt in hidden places.  I was eating an English muffin at my desk and a small crumb landed in my keyboard.  As I picked up the keyboard to shake the crumb out, I see lots of icky dusty, dirty stuff under my keyboard.  Maybe I need to pick it up every once in a while to see what's lurking under there.

This is the beginning

I've had a blog before (I think) but never really did anything with it. I keep up with a few other blogs and am always entertained, enlightened and impressed by these people who let us into their worlds. So, here I am, starting my own blog.

So much has been happening in my life these last few months and there are times where I have a lot of thoughts in my head that I need to get out and that's why I'm here.

Today I am thinking a lot about my sister Laura. She died. Friday will be 2 months and I still have to tell myself "Laura died" and I bring up the memory of seeing her for the first time in a casket. I still can't believe it most of the time. She had many problems and I always feared I'd get a call one day letting me know she was gone, but I never actually thought it would happen. Does that make sense? The way she died weighs so heavy on my heart. There is still so much left unexplained about her death. One thing I am certain of, she did not kill herself. We are fighting to bring the man who did this to her to justice, but we have learned that the wheels of justice turn slow and we have the added battle of proving that she wasn't just another crazy drug addict. I want to scream from the rooftops "_____ killed my sister!". Right now I feel like no one is listening. The case is being investigated and we're being told what can and can't be proven and it just makes me sad because there is documentation, in her own words, of the hell she'd been living in the last year and a half of her life. I continue to pray for the people trying to build a case and for my family. I continue to pray that I give this all to God and that I let HIS will be done. It's so hard.

So this is how I feel today. My mood matches the cool, wet weather outside. Maybe the heavens are crying for me today, because all my tears are spent right now.