Sister's visit and other things

Last week my sister Michelle came for a visit.  This was HUGE!  Even when we lived only 20 minutes apart we rarely saw each other.  So I was thrilled when she said she wanted to come, but I was also totally sure she'd back out.  But lo and behold she came and she didn't even get lost (Thanks OnStar!).  We had a quick dinner at home and then began showing her the sights of Aggieland.  A trip to the mall and then to Spoons.  Saturday morning we all went to Toys R Us because Aunt Shel promised the boys we'd go.  After that, Grant and the boys went their way and we went ours.  Another trip to the mall, a couple of other stores and then SUSHI!  We had such a great day.  It was so much fun to spend time with my sister.  I made her cry :(.  Ever since Laura died I've had this (irrational) fear that Michelle would die soon too and that I'd be all alone.  My mom would only have one daughter left.  That makes me sad.  After we cried she reassured me that I was the oldest and that I would go first and we laughed.  When the time came for her to go home I hugged her and watched her get in her car.  I started for the stairs and then stopped to look back.  I wanted to stand there and watch her car drive away but I couldn't.  So up to my family I went.

I've been reading Mary Beth Chapman's book "Choosing to SEE".  She is the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman.  The book is about their early life, her battle with clinical depression and the death of their 5 year old daughter Maria Sue.  If you know the story, you know that she ran out in front of her 17 year old brother's car as he was returning home.  The story is so heart wrenching and sad.  How does someone come back from something like that?  One word: FAITH.  She is totally open about their fear, sadness and anger in dealing with the loss of their precious baby. They questioned why God would allow something like this to happen and admit, they don't understand but know that God loves them and is holding them up through this.

Reading this book has made all the memories and feelings of my sister's death fresh again.  Needless to say it's been an emotional week.  I've wanted to talk about it to Grant, to anybody, but the fear of letting the emotions out scares me.  So here I am faithful blog readers.  I continually think about the moment Michelle told me Laura died.  I can still hear the tears and utter grief in her voice.  I didn't know what to do.  NO NO NO!  That's what I kept saying out loud.  Then having to call people and tell them.  Telling my dad was the worst.  I was headed to his house when I realized he was out of town.  I didn't want to have to tell him on the phone but I knew I couldn't wait for him to come back a couple of days later.  It was something he and I discussed frequently.  He would ask me if I'd heard from Laura because he'd had a dream about her.  We were always waiting for the "other shoe to drop".  Not that we wanted it, but we knew it would eventually happen.  When I told him there was total silence.  Oh how I wanted to be sitting with him, hugging him.

One by one, I started calling my close friends.  Some who were friends with Laura too.  I called Courtney but got voicemail so I just asked her to call me back.  When she did a little while later she was laughing.  She said "As soon as I heard your message  I thought she better not be calling to rub the victory in!"  Just the day before my beloved Aggies had played SFA and won (BIG) and she assumed I was calling to harass her.  I listened to her laugh and waited patiently.  Finally I said "Courtney, Laura died".  Again, a moment of silence.

Then we had to move on to the planning of the funeral.  Those days are still fresh in my mind.  Sitting in the conference room, seeing the clothes Michelle had picked out for Laura to wear were hanging on a coat rack in the corner.  It was too much.  I went to my mom bawling and tried to climb in her lap.  That's what I wanted.  I wanted my mommy to hold me, to make it better.  But she couldn't.  Picking out a casket.  Again NO NO NO!  The biggest kick in the gut was when we were able to view her body for the first time.  Walking in the room, smelling the flowers that had already been delivered.  I didn't want to look at the end of the room where my big sister was.  When I did, all I could do was wail.  I sat on the couch and Grant came to me.  I said "Go be with Ryan."  My sweet nephew Ryan, who so loved his Aunt Laura, sat sobbing in a chair.  All around me was grief.  I heard my mom, Aunt Margie and Michelle all sobbing. 

It's been 6 months and the emotions are as fresh and raw as they were the minute I heard.

Me, Laura and Michelle