Wednesday, August 24, 2011

And the sadness comes creeping in

I know it seems that this blog is just about sadness.  I guess it is.  This is where I feel safe letting out my emotions.  I have plenty of loved ones who I can turn to and talk to but it's just so hard for me to talk about how I feel.  Typing is easier.

In a little over a week it will be one year since Laura died.  I've known it was coming but for some reason these last several day this sadness is slowly taking over.  I think about her often and how I felt that day but the approaching anniversary is multiplying the sadness.  Grant knows there is something wrong and he asks but I don't know what to tell him.  I don't want to tell him.  I know it's because I'm afraid I'll break down and I don't want to.  But then I do.  I just want to let it out.  But I can't.  Too many years of pushing down sadness and emotions. 

I've also been thinking about what I was doing this time last year and what Laura was doing.  What kind of crap she was dealing with.  I think about the day before she died.  Grant and I were with friends at an Aggie football game.  I look at the pictures from that game and it almost always makes me think "What was happening to Laura?  Was she gone already?"  Then I remember the call from Michelle.  Hearing the words I knew would come someday but still thought wouldn't.  "Laura is dead!"  Wow, just reading those words...  The following week, planning her funeral.  Seeing her body for the first time.  Seeing my hands when I looked at hers.  I still see her when I look in the mirror.  I see her hands when I look at mine.  It just hit me that I don't have a picture of the two of us together.  I can't remember the last time we were in a picture together.  Years.  I regret that.  Here's what I do have.

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